Nicaraguan Snot and the Booger Bus

I recently took the bus to Nicaragua, from San Jose. The Booger Bus. I had a free ticket. The result is the Return of the Incredible Dripping Nose, which has taken root after three long days of bone-burning fever. These international rollling incubation dishes are great for travel if, like me, you have an extremely limited budget. The downside is that you also travel with 53 other people too broke to afford proper health care, in a vehicle with windows that don’t open. So the fella two seats back who hacked cloud after cloud of bristling bacteria thoughtfully shared his calamity with me (and who knows how many others), the after effects of which I am enjoying right now. 

Oh, the bus. I also liked Smoker Guy, who looked like he might play bass in a Costa Rican version of a Metallica cover band. He sucked down heaters on the curb before boarding the BB like a man about to be marched in front of the firing squad. This he did because he knew that were were about to board a no-smoking bus. Because the windows don’t open. However, about 15 miles from the border, where we’d all be herded into a teeming mass of currency exchangers, passport stampers and shuffling peasants hopeing to cross to the other side. Smoker Guy ducked into the bus’s bathroom (yes, this was the Executive Service, complete with crapper. However, before taking off, the bus driver announced “In order to avoid bad odors, please use the restroom only for number one.” That’s how he put it), and smoked a cigarette. I don’t know if he though he’d pull one over on us, but within 30 seconds the entire bus filled with smoke. And we couldn’t open the windows. So we’d just have to tough it out. And in typical Costa Rican fashion, everybody bitched quietly to his/her seatmate, but nobody said anything to the offender. 

Smoke, sneezes, fried chicken and sweaty passengers combine scents to produce a cloud so thick you could bottle it, send it to France or Finland or Fairbanks where the recipient would open it and, like a genie, the cloud would materialize in front of the surprised target. It would turn into a visible vapor fist, which would first pummel the victim’s olfactory bulb before lodging itself in his sinuses. 

Anyway, my conclusion is this: I would prefer to fly, but until I can afford it, I’ll stick with the bus. And the way things are looking, I’ll be rolling across the border for a long time to come.


One Response to “Nicaraguan Snot and the Booger Bus”

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